I planned on writing this two weeks ago but wanted to get a few more workouts in at the gym so I could brush up on my gym stereotypes… Then I hurt my leg pile-driving my friend Chad one night while playing sand volleyball. Which really makes no sense because Chad isn’t a large man and I didn’t have a problem lifting him, something just slipped and I felt my knee pop. I’m fine now though, I was even able to get two workouts in last week, even though I didn’t do my normal leg press workout. I had to drop the weight by two hundred pounds, so I was lifting a measly 500 pounds…

On to the stereotypes… Starting with my personal favorite.

Workout Master: I really hate this guy. He is always trying to give his two cents to me while I’m working out to perfect my form. Do I look interested in what you have to say? How about I perfect your looks by punching you in the face? One guy in particular tried to give me tips while I was working out with 15 pound dumbbells trying to work my shoulders…

“Hey bro! You better watch out! You’re going to hurt your shoulder doing that. My dad is three times your size and he played for OU football and he tore his rotator cuff doing that!”

I highly doubt your dad is three times my size… unless he is some sort of giant. In which case, that’s cool, bro.

Everyday Run of the Mill Mouth Breather: There is three components that are necessary to fall into this category: Protein shake, cell phone on which he intermittently calls his brohans up and iPod blaring rap music which he in turn raps along with… horribly. One day there was no music playing in the weight room and my least favorite mouth breather was in there rapping up a storm. I immediately went to the front desk and told them to turn on the radio so I didn’t have to listen to his horrible rapping. Looking at his stupid tattoos on the other hand, not really much I can do to get around that. If you want to be a part of the cool club, I think you have to incorporate the state of Texas into your tattoo in anyway possible.

Girl Who Talks on her Phone While Using the Elliptical: Hey… Shutup.

*Bonus* Girl Who Talks on her Phone While Using the Elliptical and Doesn’t Wear a Sports Bra: Not as cool as you’d think. Too much flopping… Not for me.

The Fake Tanner: When you have a tan that could be described as “Tropicana-cal” maybe it’s time to stop going to Mystic Tan. Also? You have a tan line. On your FACE. If you do continue to go, lift up your head next time you’re getting sprayed so your neck gets a nice orange coat as well.

The Old Guy: Usually does ridiculous exercises with three inch ranges of motion. It’s hard not to stare because he just looks so silly… He’s probably good at fishing, though.

Businessman Stuck in the 80s: Please take your soccer shorts with the four inch inseam to the nearest trash can and deposit them. But keep that mesh shirt for the next time you go out to the clubs to pick up some young tail… Chicks are all about the 80s now.

The Guy Who Bites Off More Than He Can Chew: I really hate this guy. He usually dicks around on bench press all day while in his normal clothes. Jeans, a Von Douche shirt and flip flops. Sometimes he wears workout gloves if he wants to look like the ultimate tool. One time one of them asked me for a spot on bench press. He was doing 225 pounds, I had never seen him do this much but he said he was going for four reps, so he should have been able to do one rep at minimum.

Man was I wrong.

It’s a shame I didn’t know that before he dropped the weight. On his face. Perhaps the most ultimate “FAIL” moment I have ever seen in my lifetime.