Written in response to this.
First off…
1) Yes, I enjoyed the notebook.
2) Yes, it was purchased with my own money, money that was made selling caffeinated Mountain Dew to people who attended BYU.
3) Yes, I snuggled with a girl while watching the movie, in my room, with the door closed, with the lights off, with my hand on her leg… and yes she went to BYU… AND YES… she is now engaged. AND YES she probably didn’t tell her fiance that I touched her bare lower leg.
4) Yes, I cried.
Before we get started, this will be broken down into age groups for the readers convenience. On to the criteria…
Ages 16-21 - must adhere to the following
1) No kids please.
2) Vulnerable. Low self esteem optional.
3) No training bras. Please.
4) No short hair.
5) Must have own car, and source of gas money.
6) No direction in life what-so-ever. See line 2.
7) No tan lines. Really pale girls are ok too.
8) Comfortable around farts/burps/stories about farts and burps/really smelly farts.
9) Must not talk to me, while watching sports. Only acceptable when you actually know whats going on, and you ask no questions.
10) Must understand the greatness that is 24, and never complain about it when I watch it hours on end.
Ages 22-28 - Should probably adhere to the following
1) Must be willing to attend a sporting event with me at the drop of a pin, no long prep-times.
2) Non high-maintenance.
3) Big juggs. Kidding?
4) Must enjoy Anchorman and Talladega Nights. Low-brow, sarcastic humor is a must.
5) Have the ability to dance. Fast and slow.
6) Tattoo count under 3.
7) Non-dyke haircuts please.
8) 1 child is acceptable.
9) Cannot like Jennifer Lopez, but OK to enjoy her hit song, “Taco Taco! Burrito! Burrito!” Look it up.
10) Understand why Michael Jordan is and always will be the greatest basketball player of all TIME.
Ages 29-36 - Can adhere to the following
1) Big juggs. Not kidding…?
2) Divorce count must be under 3.
3) Must be willing to provide for me financially, no matter how crazy I may get.
4) Child count no higher than 3. Children cannot be older than 9 years old, I don’t want a weird father/child relationship.
5) Must have laughed at “Dick in a box!”
6) The rebel flag, is not cool. Contrary to my pictures. It was a dark time in my life…
7) No visible scars. C-section scars acceptable.
8) Non-psycho ex-husbands.
9) If you have a myspace, must have less than 300 friends. More than that, is unacceptable. You shouldn’t know that many 16 year old boys.
10) Seriously, no dyke hair cuts.
If you passed, shoot me an email. Attached with pictures.
29 responses so far ↓
token // Jan 4, 2007 at 4:06 am
Loved the baby pics!
Lisa Marie // Jan 4, 2007 at 8:49 am
I quailify. When you coming back so we can go out for your birthday?
minxlj // Jan 4, 2007 at 10:06 am
Well, I passed all but one - NOT SINGLE. LOL. Oh, and several thousand miles away doesn’t help? ;-)
crzylady // Jan 4, 2007 at 10:14 am
gee GEORGE! it could have been 22-28-year-old love except for number 6 & maybe 7 (does winona ryder hair count as dyke hair?)
amyelle // Jan 4, 2007 at 11:23 am
I think the fact that I am married and that I have a psycho ex eliminates me.
Hilarious GEORGE!
pokey // Jan 4, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Damn it! Why must I be married?
sparkgrrl658 // Jan 4, 2007 at 1:06 pm
totally with minxlj up there. damn.
i like anchorman and that other will ferrel movie that we just watched the other night but…do i have to like dumb and dumber? because i draw the line.
wait, i failed #10, as in, i couldn’t discuss it with you using many real facts, but i promise not to dispute it either.
Emma Leigh // Jan 4, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Good luck finding a girl who can give you taco flavored kisses. I’ve heard that they are few and far between.
Heather B. // Jan 4, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Just stopped by to say that if you have kids, I hope they’re not wusses, then you’ll have to name them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman and that would suck.
Also, I’m assuming that you wake up in the morning and piss excellence, no?
bxn // Jan 4, 2007 at 5:00 pm
you are so very GEORGE! and you are so in luck. i definitely passed the very detailed 22-28 questionnaire…what email shall i shoot to, hmmm?
chesslaress // Jan 4, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Okay. The ex and I were never LEGALLY married, and he wasn’t exactly diagnosed with psychosis. He’s just… wonky?
I want to ask you about Michael Jordan, just out of curiousity, but I am afraid that would violate the don’t-ask-sports-questions requirement.
Damn. I am TOTALLY comfortable around burps, farts, and I like ADORE burp stories!
smacky // Jan 4, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Wow, like you’re SO perfectly desireable to have all these requirements.
Emily // Jan 4, 2007 at 7:04 pm
You were a ridiculously cute kid.
hi_im_jess // Jan 4, 2007 at 7:21 pm
ha, this is the greatest entry. EVER.
you were a cute kid, and I kinda failed…… I have a direction in life… and I’m kinda sorta Taken.
Oh well. Good luck in your search!
sara d // Jan 4, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Okay, I am too old for you but my 25 yr old daughter has no children and only 2 tattoos. And likes Ultimate fighting. She’s a catch. Only problem is that she’s in Indiana. But I will send her a link to your site.
BikerTigger // Jan 5, 2007 at 12:25 am
What if the “she” is married with a psychotic ex but a cool current hubby and in an open relationship and all she is after is sex?
BikerTigger // Jan 5, 2007 at 12:31 am
No, she is a she. Really a she. Sexy Girl parts and everything.
She just has the psychotic ex to deal with.
kth201 // Jan 5, 2007 at 8:44 am
Step 1…cut a hole in the box…
That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Love the Notebook shirt, where is that from?
Dina // Jan 5, 2007 at 2:48 pm
I passed the 22-28 requirements with flying colors, but I have a strong fear that the SEC rivalry would tear us apart.
However, I will definitely buy you a beer if you’re ever in Gainesville.
julieisthebest // Jan 6, 2007 at 10:31 am
But George! My hair looks like CRAP when it’s long. CRAP. I chopped all of my hair off and I am SO. VERY. HAPPY. I am so very low maintenence that it cuts the time I take to get ready to go anywhere down to about two minutes. Plus, my boyfriend thinks it is very hot. I’m sorry you think short hair is dyke-y. Dykes have long hair, too!
Tiggerlane // Jan 8, 2007 at 11:43 am
Too dang bad you don’t have a category that goes a smidge higher. Just a smidge! Guess it doesn’t matter, since my 13-year old daughter puts me out of the running…at least my divorce count is low (0), but that also means I’m still married.
I did laugh at “Dick in a Box,” and spend too much time with it running around in my head!
I’m also with kth201 - “Cut a hole in a box!” LOL! The best visual was the Kwanzaa “dick in a box” move…
redjeulle // Jan 9, 2007 at 4:33 am
So, do I make the cut? I did spend time to register.
niciinmadtown // Jan 9, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Wow! I can’t believe I actually passed your criteria. Well, do you pass my criteria, too? I guess this is the harder part, since I’ve got 45.
Chollyson // Jan 9, 2007 at 5:48 pm
As long as you don’t bother me while I make list upon list of meaningless crap like books I need to read, then I will not bother you during sports. Nor will I question the proclamation about Michael Jordon.
I thought it would have been funnier if they said “Cock in the Box.” But still hilarious.
sheepy // Jan 10, 2007 at 1:49 am
I meet all of your requirements, but if you really did like The Notebook, you do not meet mine. What a manipulative piece of crap!
Maiken // Jan 10, 2007 at 3:43 pm
I’m with sheepy in that for those of us that meet your criteria you should meet ours. ;)
sheepy // Jan 15, 2007 at 11:22 pm
In case I wasn’t clear, I don’t think your list is a piece of crap. Just the movie. I’m sure, were we to meet, we would be the couple that went to the movies together and bought tickets for different movies, meeting afterwards for hot chocolate and an argument about why Night at the Museum sucks donkey balls and Volver was great. Guess which one I think you’d see? ;)
theGeneva // Jan 18, 2007 at 8:34 am
what you need is a list like mine - http://www.thegeneva.com/require/
kennedyrae // Jan 23, 2007 at 12:29 pm
This is quite interesting. Right now, I fail all but 1 of your criteria. But, I’ll be 21 in 2 weeks, and when I’m 21, I’ll pass all but one of your criteria. That is insane.
Leave a Comment